I didn’t think it would happen again but after a week of working passionately and almost non-stop on Sisterhood, I lost my momentum, my flow and I was almost stuck again in an oh so familiar realm; self-doubt which for me always results in low energy and procrastination.
I have been there many times before and it has destroyed lots of amazing projects I had much excitement for in the past. Not this time though, Sisterhood is too important to my soul and I am so much more conscious now. I can see what is happening, I can observe the old programming in action and recognize it for what it is, just an old pattern of the scared 7-year-old me.
In the past she has been able to sabotage my actions and succeeded in keeping me small as I was mostly unaware and unconscious of her sometimes subtle, other times not so subtle, manipulations. No chance of this happening any more though as my awareness brings on compassion for this part of me that is fearful; fearful of being seen, fearful of not being good enough and more than anything; fearful of being too much. The little girl inside of me is just trying to keep me safe and instead of letting her take over I talk to her and I remind her again that we are safe already.
Refusing to belief me she brings up memories of the times where she was herself for a full 100%, being passionate and enthusiastic, shining her light brightly for all to see. How she was rejected and how ashamed she felt when she was publicly corrected. How much the shame hurt her, burnt her cheeks bright red and how she never wants to feel like that again.
I tell her, I understand and then gently remind her of the feeling before she was shamed, the feeling of expressing herself freely, wildly and without any diminishing, correcting and adjusting. That tingling feeling of freedom and expression. Her eyes light up and she thinks of the times she was running around, arms wide outstretched, laughing and shrieking loudly, pretending to be a bird, the moment before she was told off and she smiles. Yes she remembers, she remembers it well! What if you could feel like this every day, free, wild, 100% yourself wouldn’t that be fantastic? She looks at me eyes wide open and full of excitement: YES that is what I want!
I promise her that I will hold the space for her so she can express herself freely and safely. She believes me and so we get back to work, as a team, because this is our joined project. We are in this together and together we have a dream to help 1000’s of women shine their light brighter into the world and so giving others the permission to do the same, freeing us all from our self-imposed prisons and pretty cages. We both know that making this dream a reality starts with us, with us shining brightly for all to see, even if this means that others might criticize us, reject us or even ridicule us. We are ready to take that chance as you know what, by dimming our light we do this to ourselves on a daily basis and that is just no longer acceptable anymore!